Long Time – No See

Well, so much has happened in the past few years. We had our 4th baby,  got a dog, and then I had cancer. Yeah. Life has some interesting turns.

So here I am finding myself on a parenting path I didn’t intend. This week I’ve yelled, threatened, and generally tried as hard as possible to rule my children with an iron thumb. It sucked. They looked at me with fear and sadness and disgust. How do you even begin to fix that kind of pain? That kind of heartbreak?

Let’s back-up a bit. So this time last year I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I went through chemo and a bilateral mastectomy and then DH started a shutdown at work (12 on, 1 off – 13 hour shifts; straight nights). So straight out of surgery it was parenting at it’s worst. Then about 4 weeks in, I decided to completely do all the landscaping in our yard. Ummm, that wasn’t the brightest idea I’ve had).

The good news? I love my yard!!!! And it really helped me to not focus on the possibilities that could be. The bad news? Well, my kiddos really needed more than passing parenting during that time. And now they’re really showing that they’ve been neglected in so many ways.

So here I am. Trying to figure out how to support myself, my children, my husband and mange a household. I need to separate reality from desires for our family. I would love to spend every moment helping my babies, but I can’t. And then I’m faced with them not always wanting me around as well as trying to balance my own needs.

Tomorrow we’ll be at a local park for an Epic Battle (kids pretending to sword fight). I know my children will want a lot of attention. But I also know I can tell them to go play and they will. I can spend this time chatting with other mothers and recharging, but then end the day with cranky children, or I can figure out a way to balance their needs with my own. Of course, I have a 2 yr old. All needs are his needs. Sigh.

I don’t even have eloquent words of wisdom, instead I’m sitting here wondering how and why and wishing I was more capable of so many things.


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